Mumming Around Musings

Not so long ago my eldest Small went through a very emotional phase. At the time it felt like we were dealing with at least 2 or 3 30 minute meltdowns a day. They take their toll! At one point a dear friend witnessed one of these episodes. I must have looked a little exasperated because afterwards she gently suggested that perhaps my Small didn't need a 20 minute conversation about her emotions every time she felt something "negative". At first I felt judged, as if there was an intimation that my actions were coming from anything, but love and doing my best for my kid. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised something I now feel is so important. So keen was I that my Smalls never felt sad or upset about anything in life ever(!), that I was jumping on these emotions and trying to "fix" them before they had a chance to feel and let them pass through. Maybe this wasn't the right approach. Being simplistic about it, how can they know when they feel happy if they have no opposing emotions to compare it to? And by always being there to "help", how would they learn to help themselves? So I began to adopt a slightly more hands off approach. Not walking away from meltdowns entirely (so as to negate their feelings - always a fine balance with parenting huh?!), but stepping back. Reassuring her that all emotions are OK, I was there if she needed a cuddle and that I felt certain she would be able to cope with what she was feeling if she gave herself time. Perhaps it was coincidence, but these challenges started to abate immediately. And so that day my friend made her suggestion; I learned a few things. Firstly, although my actions were as well meaning as her advice, it's always worth reviewing my approach to things. Whether advice is sought or comes unsolicited, there might always be value in giving it thought. But secondly and arguably more importantly, feeling the "negative" emotions is just as important as acknowledging the good times. And though the urge to "fix" things for our Smalls is overwhelmingly strong, sometimes the best thing for them is simply that you are there, right alongside them letting them feel what they feel. Oh, and never underestimate the power of a silent cuddle and the importance of a pack of tissues in your back pocket!

Around about the middle of 2020, I tuned into some shit chat between my girls as they sat at their dad's desk in his office, playing with some of his stationary - "No this is daddy's office, mummy doesn't have an office because she doesn't work," the older one was diligently correcting the younger, who was convinced (as is the teaching with pretty much everything in a two-year-old’s life) that we shared said office. Older Small wasn't wrong, bless her, but for some reason the words "she doesn't work" struck me. How did she see me? Was I role modelling as I wanted to? Or was this about me? After nearly 5 years as a stay at home mum, did those words hang in the air because they reminded me how much I miss the part of myself that was more than a loving mum? I was very fortunate when my eldest Small came along. The stars aligned for us as a family financially and I was able to stay at home. For me, this was a good thing. Motherhood consumed me in a way I'd never have thought it would. One of my favourite people in the world is an extremely successful career woman with 2 small boys and more recently a baby girl to add to the mix. I marvel at how she can juggle the two emotionally, let along physically. But she does. Brilliantly. And nobody is worse off for the way either of us choose to parent. It’s a deeply personal choice. I recently made a new friend. Also a working mum of two. She's said to me more than once that she doesn't know how I cope being a full-time mum. She says she needs her work for her. 2 years ago I wouldn't have understood, but as I take my first steps back into a work life now, I'm beginning to get it. It’s not just that life has made it necessary and with the youngest Small now in school, it's time. It's about having something for myself outside of clocking little people's bowel movements and monitoring the veg versus sugar intake each day. It’s about finding something I’m passionate about and having a purpose both inside and outside Mumming Around. So as I (very softly!) launched Mumming Around towards the end of the pandemic and later VitaVi Publishing to realise my life long dream to be an author, the revelations have been quite profound - being up to something outside my general, day to day Mumming Around has made me feel more at ease with myself. Definitely something I want my Smalls experience of me as they grow.

From the moment my biggest Small was born, I knew I wanted her to have a sibling. And I knew I wanted that to happen ASAP - I'm definitely a "rip the bandaid off as quickly as possible" kind of girl! Both Smalls were long term breastfed, so the closest we could get them was exactly 2 years apart - almost to the day (in fact weirdly they shared the same due date!)  Anyone who has short spacing between their Smalls knows the pros and cons - just like those with longer spacing - there's no right or wrong, just what works for each mum and family.  But damn were those early years tough for us!! Tandem feeding. Both in nappies with different needs. Worrying the biggest one felt dethroned.  Worrying the smallest wasn't having anywhere near the same experience as the first.  And then, suddenly, moments that made it all feel worthwhile started popping up all over the place. Like arriving at the park and getting all geared up to assist with the zip wire, only to find that biggest Small has lifted her sister onto it and is busy pushing her back and forth. Or turning round after bath time to find them snuggled up in bed reading to each other. Even sitting down to write this post and registering they've now been deep in play for at least 20 minutes without incident (thanks in huge part to @parentingjunkie for all the tips in Present Play for the tips that made that more possible - game changing!)  I remember - in those early days - asking a more experienced mum if it gets easier. Her answer was a pretty blunt "NOPE, the challenges are just different".  I disagree.  I've found it easier as they've got older - without question.  Not because it's any less challenging, but because the moments to regroup for whatever's coming next are longer and more frequent.  I make a point of telling new mums that whenever I can.  Even if it ends up not being true for them, in that moment, it's relief to hear it. And as I've just established, for me, it's all about the moments. Those joyful moments that make those relentless early years feel utterly worth it.